Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
