thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
where am i from again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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