You smell like stripper and shame
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize