is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
