Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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