you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
