Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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