i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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