If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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