my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
