it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
