a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
