dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
