I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
