matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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