atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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