I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
