If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
