HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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