Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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