k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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