The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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