My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
