We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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