I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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