There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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