He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
