Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
