just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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