the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
