i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
