i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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