I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
