Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
