we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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