Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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