Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize