I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
