I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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