just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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