i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
