Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
