i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
