In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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