I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
