We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
