My liver just broke up with me...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
