just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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