Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
