No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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