if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
