fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
