I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why are your pants in the freezer?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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