Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
