Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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