apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
