it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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