Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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