i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
