so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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