did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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