New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
