I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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