I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
