Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
