if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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