I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
